Maria lacked a burning desire to work, yet felt she should be doing something with her university degree. Even as she spoke of work, she became concerned that she would not be able to get back in the work force, as she had not worked now for 3 years, and felt out of touch with the professional world. She recognized that her self-confidence had dropped, yet believed that if she actually got a job, she could do it. It was her lack of motivation to find a job that bothered her.

Then there were other feelings. The feeling of being ungrateful, for example, being so disgruntled and down, when life on the outside seemed so good, a lovely apartment, no financial worries, a wonderful husband and a good number of friends. In fact, these friends annoyed her sometimes, as they always sounded so positive about things. Maria described more accurately that she did not want her friends to NOT have all their positive things in life, but their happiness and contentment with what they had, irritated her. No, it made her envious, because she herself didn't feel happy and content. In fact, talking about that matter helped her clarify what she felt. The negative feeling was not irritability, it was envy. Maria described that she had always felt different from others, and had attributed this feeling to her lifestyle, coming from a family that had always moved, and no one place felt like home.

I reassured Maria that many sensitive people feel different from others even when they do stay in the same place! This feeling of being different can influence one's decision about jobs, places of residence, type of partner and even whether or not to have children! Some feel the "different-ness" as an impediment, others as a strength.

Maria agreed with this, and spoke about her fears of having children, not so much about the pregnancy, but what if she did not like the experience of motherhood, and then could not revert back to her non-parent state! Also, what if her husband felt embarrassed or ashamed at her dislike of being a mother, and their relationship deteriorated as a consEQuence? And could she cope with staying in one place for any length of time, tied down with children, not able to travel, having to attend playgroups?

Maria also complained about the feeling of always being negative. She seemed to have lost her enthusiasm about almost everything. Most things seemed an effort, even a suggestion of going out with friends. She knew she wasn't depressed, yet certainly was not the bubbly, outgoing person she used to be. Even her husband had commented on that. She felt flat most of the time. Neutral even. She didn't get excited by much. Yet not depressed either.

I explained to Maria that yes, she was on a negative spiral, and indeed her negative energies that she spoke of were real. When one has a build up of negative feelings about things - in Maria's case, feeling unmotivated and bored and lonely and isolated and dependant and unenthusiastic - one starts to feel stress. The body registers this before the brain even knows what's going on. As a consEQuence, adrenalin is released into the body. This in turn negates the effect of serotonin; the chemical discharged by the brain which elevates one's feeling of well-being. One soon starts to lose the "joie-de-vivre". A further consEQuence of this is a lowering of self-esteem, and the increase therefore of one's insecurity, and anxiety about the future. The Inner Voice gets louder, and more and more negative. Not necessarily with negative messages in the head, but with negative feelings that increases the stress. And so on it goes. Once a person starts this negative spiral, it is difficult to right it without an intellectual realization of what is going on.