Gail was anxious and indecisive. She wanted to go to New Zealand, but knew her mother, who lived on her own, had been unwell all year. She began to feel guilty about wanting to enjoy a holiday while her mother was so ill and felt resentful that the situation had arisen in the first place, requiring her to make a decision.

Karen explained to Gail that her mother was behaving as a "Martyr Mum" - one who uses illness or "abandonment" as the ruse to make their children feel guilty - who will then say, "But I don't want you to worry about me dear". Martyr Mums have low self-esteem and believe their adult children would not voluntarily want to spend time with them, so create "have-to" situations to control and manipulate their children to come to visit. The children often feel resentful and then resist visiting their mother. Gail's mother was actually seeking reassurance of her love, as she no doubt had interpreted Gail's plans to holiday elsewhere as "she doesn't care about me".

When it seems we are letting our parents down we feel anxious and guilty. To alleviate this feeling, we often act in a way that causes a different stress (resentment, loss, arguments with a spouse). Martyr Mums (and Dads) can create havoc in the lives of their adult children. If you have a Martyr Parent, recognise the emotional needs of your parent and fill them as often as you can when your personal life, finances and timetable allows. The rest of the time make decisions for you and your immediate family and verbally fill the emotional need of your parent, as Gail did.