Email
Karen
Phone (65)
9816 5651
| More
on the Inner Voice By Karen Gosling, counseling Director |
|
 In this series of real-life case studies, Karen Gosling recounts client stories compiled from Gosling International's files. The permission of clients has been obtained to present these case histories. Names and places used have been changed to protect cilent privacy. |
| Introduction | |
| Everyone has an inner voice. It is the conversation you have with yourself, in order to make decisions (which ice-cream shall I buy?) or to discern between pain and pleasure. Sometimes it appears to be thoughts in your head, at other times a feeling without any real thought attached to it, but a feeling that you believe to be true because it is so apparent to you (eg. my partner doesn't appreciate me, s/he just takes me for granted). | |
| The inner voice is always negative and destructive, and appears louder and more vocal when a person is vulnerable and feeling stressed. People who are sensitive (who feel their feelings with intensity) will usually have a louder inner voice than a person who "lets go" of things more quickly. The voice accompanies you wherever you go, and makes its presence felt in your thoughts even when uninvited. It can change a feeling of sheer delight or pride to one of dismay in an instant, with the result that you never feel the same strong positive feeling again, even when you do try to recapture it. | |
| This is the inner voice, the one that attacks, judges, or minimises. | |
 |
|
| Case Study 3 | |
| Robert
was referred for counseling by his local doctor. He was feeling generally
unwell and uptight. In counseling, Robert described that he felt
as though his life was out of control. He felt trapped, as if he was
unable to escape the stress of his life. |
|
| Robert
said that he did not usually think about feelings, but when encouraged
by the , he was able to add that he just felt overwhelmed,
all of the time. He hated his job, and felt bored, restless, and under
utilized. He had been brought to Singapore to do a certain job and
his expectations had not been filled - his skills were not being acknowledged
or used. This caused him to feel guilty about the salary he received. |
|
|
Over the months, he had begun to work longer and longer hours at work
- if he was seen to be putting in a good effort, then surely that
would prove that he was "worth" his salary. In addition, working late
meant that he could avoid going home. |
|
|
At home,
Robert was also stressed, although he put this down to work as well.
He loved
his wife, but it seems she'd changed. She was always nagging him,
criticizing him, and wanting to talk to him about how unhappy she
was with him and her life in general. He couldn't understand it -
if only she would just be more grateful for what she had, and cheer
up a bit, then he would be more at ease. And she was so unpredictable
- she could go from being in a good mood, to being irritable and moody,
in a flash. (And it was usually his fault!) He just wished she'd sort
out her own problems about her friends, and the maid, and the kids,
and just be happy - then he wouldn't have to worry about her as well. |
|
|
|
| When
the spoke to Robert's wife Laura, the discovered
that Laura was feeling isolated, unsupported and insecure.
Laura had assumed, when they came to Singapore a year earlier for
Robert to take a 2-year contract, that their strong relationship would
be sufficient to see them through the stresses of a new environment.
Yet Robert seemed so withdrawn and quiet, and wouldn't talk to her
about anything. Laura felt she had no idea what was going on at Robert's
work, and he just didn't want to talk to her about what she might
be going through. She felt she managed the children totally on her
own, and the more she made the decisions (because she had to) the
more he left her to it. This made her feel resentful and frustrated. |
|
| In
their pre-marriage counseling, Robert and Laura had been told to
always talk about their feelings, especially if they felt they were
harbouring resentments, and so Laura tried again and again to talk
to Robert, but he just told her to stop, he didn't want to hear any
more. This caused her to believe he was just becoming more and more
distant from her. Singapore had changed him, and she was worried about
where their marriage
was headed. She knew of so many couples who had marriage problems
- poor communication, husband having affairs, women wanting to enjoy
their "girls nights out " - and she felt it was only a matter of time
before she and Robert were just another statistic. Singapore was just
not meeting her expectations of the great family life their extra
money was meant to give them. |
|
| The
more Laura talked, the more she disclosed. She felt that Robert was
not interested in her any more, because she was boring and fat. She
sincerely believed that since she had left her own job back home,
she had become unintelligent and uninteresting. She had put on weight,
and was no match on the slim young things that were all over Singapore.
It was logical that her husband was attracted to the Asian businesswomen
with whom he worked, and the fact that he spent more and more time
at work indicated that he would rather be with them than with her. |
|
|
Laura
was already anticipating that in time, Robert would tell her that
he wanted to leave the marriage, and send her back home with kids.
As far as she was concerned, the writing was on the wall. |
|
|
|
| Dealing With The Inner Voice | |
|
|
| Outcome | |
| When
your head is full of anxious and irrational thoughts, and not checked
out against reality, it will become your new truth. Thereafter, anything
you observe or hear will reinforce the new truth in your head. Robert
and Laura received enormous benefit from checking out the reality
of how they felt about each other in the counseling sessions, also
Leadership how to communicate about their insecurities so that similar
situations did not arise again. |
|
 |
|
|
Karen Gosling is counseling Director at Gosling International. She is a graduate of the University of South Australia and holds a Master of Public Health from the University of Adelaide. Karen is a Registered Social Worker in Singapore and is a member of the Australian Association of Social Workers and the Singapore Association of Social Workers. Gosling International is a leading emotional leadership consultancy based in Singapore, serving committed clients worldwide. Goslings mission is one of education and empowerment; to elevate emotional well-being. Gosling International provides face-to-face, telephone and email emotional leadership consultations for individuals, couples, and family groups. If you want a professional to help you with behavioural change or deal with your emotional distress, personal problems, or are simply troubled by your feelings, phone Karen or Mike Gosling on (65) 6281-5157. Consulting
Rooms (by appointment): |