Ted and Gina came for counseling together as Gina had set Ted an ultimatum - get counseling or get out. She had had enough of his suspicions and accusations, his questioning and his double-checking. She felt that she scarcely had a life of her own any more, as Ted was always asking her where she had been, who she had been with and what she had talked about. To her, all his questions of jealousy seemed so crazy - and Ted agreed in the counseling session that Gina was right. He admitted that his suspicions of his wife were unfounded, and that there was no evidence to suggest she was not truly "in the marriage" - apart from her recent outburst that she had had enough, and that had been brought on by his constant interrogation.

Ted said that he tried to not ask Gina about her social outings, but then his insecurity got the better of him. He thought that if he didn't ask, that Gina would have complete freedom to do whatever she wanted in her social life. Gina was flabbergasted, and had asked him what exactly he meant by that. When he clarified his fears that she may be having an affair with another man, Gina felt mistrusted and hurt. She said she no longer wanted to be in a marriage where her husband did not trust her. Hence her ultimatum regarding counseling.

Previously, when Gina had expressed frustration at his interrogations, Ted interpreted this as defensiveness, which reinforced his view that Gina was having or at least thinking about having an affair. She often went out with girlfriends, and had ample opportunity to do so when he was away on business trips. He knew that she was a very sociable and outgoing woman, who engaged easily with all she met, and whilst this was a quality he adored about her, it added to his insecurity.

I explained to Ted that his insecurity was driving away the woman he loved and wanted to be with. He said he wanted to trust, but his feelings wouldn't let him. I advised that his negative feelings of suspicion were his alone but that he was blaming Gina for them. He had to now take the responsibility of dealing with them. He had to recognize his suspicious thoughts as his negative inner voice, feeding anxiety and playing videos in his brain of what Gina might be doing, and then those thoughts generating feelings that made him believe they truly belonged to a reality situation. He had to learn to turn off his internal video player by managing his inner voice better.

I suggested Gina could also learn to help Ted with his insecurity by recognising his need for affirmation and verbal reassurance that he was loved and desired as a husband. Gina complained and said that this did not come naturally for her, and that often she was so fed up with his interrogations that she found it hard to affirm him. If he phoned her on her mobile whilst she was out with girlfriends, for example, she would feel "checked up on" and would then sound irritable on the phone. This of course did not help Ted! Ted would have to try hard to resist the urge to phone her, and she would have to work hard at sounding pleasant, not irritable, if he did need to ring for a genuine matter.

When Gina saw that Ted was not phoning her so often, she was able to volunteer information more readily. Each felt more secure and each appreciated the other's effort, growing closer together.

When working on a marriage, each person has to move out of their comfort zone and do something for the other. Marriage is about giving to, not always hoping to get something from, the partner. When one feels truly loved, it is easier to respond spontaneously and more fully. In this way, each partner feels fulfilled and secure in the relationship.