Email
Karen
Phone (65)
9816 5651
| Relationship
Difficulties By Karen Gosling, counseling Director |
|
 In this series of real-life case studies, Karen Gosling recounts client stories compiled from Gosling International's files. The permission of clients has been obtained to present these case histories. Names and places used have been changed to protect cilent privacy. |
 |
|
| Introduction | |
| John and Lisa
agreed to come to counseling together in order to end their marriage
as calmly as possible, and to do the right thing by their two young
boys aged 3 and 1. By their own admission, they no longer got
on. There was no longer any communication, they snapped at each
other, usually bordering on rudeness and sarcasm. Lisa said
that John in no way filled her emotional needs (to be loved, appreciated
and cared for). John acknowledged that he was working longer
and longer hours in order to avoid going home. He said he was
feeling empty and in turbulence. He said he could not respond
to Lisa with words of love as he would feel ingenuine if he did.
Both said they felt "finished". |
|
| In counseling,
each was asked why they had agreed to come. John said he didn't
really want to leave Lisa, that he loved her and hoped to restore
some of the old feeling of before. Lisa was amazed to hear this,
and also said she didn't want to separate on account of the children,
as she herself had come from a broken home, and knew the pain involved
of having separated parents. She said she was prepared to stay
on in the relationship even if John didn't fill her needs. |
|
|
|
| 's assessment | |
| This
couple had a combination of poor communication and past hurts that
had not been resolved, and were certainly headed for separation if
this matter was not addressed quickly. I suggested to them that
if they could improve the communication, and in doing so, unearth
and safely talk about some old hurts, there was a chance that they
might reconnect emotionally. |
|
|
|
| Work done in counseling | |
| Ventilation:
both John and Lisa had the chance to tell their side of the story
without interruption, with a focus on the recent past. Lisa
chose to have one session on her own in order to really "get
things off her chest". John agreed this was appropriate,
and Lisa found the chance to ventilate and cry, very therapeutic. |
|
| Communication:
I taught them a model of communication where one had the opportunity
to honestly level with the other about the feelings harboured about
a certain issue, past or present. The other had to listen and
acknowledge the feelings, before continuing with the interaction.
Due to the model, feelings could be communicated safely, without sarcasm
or defensive responses. |
|
| Past
hurts: If not ventilated, past unresolved hurts remain anger
triggers. In and out of session, John and Lisa gave each other
permission to raise past hurts, and talk about them using the communication
rules. |
|
|
|
| Outcome | |
| At the commencement
of their third session, John and Lisa, who were noticeably more relaxed
and interacting with affection, said, "Thank you, you've saved
our marriage". John said he was feeling "lighter",
Lisa commented that even friends were remarking how "connected"
they seemed to be. Within three months of starting counseling,
this couple was able to survive the stress of having in-laws from
overseas staying in the house for 3 weeks, and was thrilled by this
achievement together! |
|
|
|
|
Karen Gosling is counseling Director at Gosling International. She is a graduate of the University of South Australia and holds a Master of Public Health from the University of Adelaide. Karen is a Registered Social Worker in Singapore and is a member of the Australian Association of Social Workers and the Singapore Association of Social Workers. Gosling International is a leading emotional leadership consultancy based in Singapore, serving committed clients worldwide. Goslings mission is one of education and empowerment; to elevate emotional well-being. Gosling International provides face-to-face, telephone and email emotional leadership consultations for individuals, couples, and family groups. If you want a professional to help you with behavioural change or deal with your emotional distress, personal problems, or are simply troubled by your feelings, phone Karen or Mike Gosling on (65) 6281-5157. Consulting
Rooms (by appointment): |