Goslings International - Case Study: Self-esteem

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Today's approach to stress relief *By Karen Gosling, counseling Director*
A presentation by Karen Gosling, counseling Director at Gosling International, to members and guests of PrimeTime Business and Professional Women's Association, Singapore on 8 February 2001, The American Club, Singapore.




Women talk over their problems

Typically, women talk and listen. If they have a problem, they put it out there, and communicate their feelings in order to process the problem, and to work out what to do about it. In fact they don't mind having the problem, provided they receive emotional support whilst they're working out what to do about it.

If they don't get emotional support, they'll get upset. If they are allowed to be upset, then they won't be so upset, and so they will continue to talk and listen until they have established an opinion about how to solve the problem. This may well be a different opinion to what they started out with.

A woman won't mind whom she talks to, provided there is a level of trust that she won't be judged or scorned as she talks her way through the process, ie she receives emotional support. This is where counseling is so effective. It provides the opportunity for women to talk, ventilate their feelings without judgement and with emotional support, in order to come to their own solutions. The additional help comes from the different perspectives the might give, or from the normalisation of feelings ie. the information that certain feelings are normal, indeed appropriate, in certain situations.



Sensitive people are prone to stress

A lot of stress is built up inside when either people don't give themselves permission to feel certain feelings, or feel weak and pathetic for feeling a certain way OR because they recognize they have certain feelings, particularly hurt feelings, and can't let them go.

Sensitive people therefore are prone to stress. Sensitive people interpret their whole world through feelings, and indeed, often take things personally, and then hold on to these hurt feelings. These might be feelings of being overwhelmed or overlooked or annoyed or frustrated or guilty or misunderstood. Interaction by interaction, at home or at work, hurt feelings can be built up.

Once you have accumulated a mountain of hurt feelings, your body interprets these as stress, even if your mind hasn't quite recognized it yet. What this means is, your body may experience nausea, upset stomach, heart palpitations or a racing chest, sleep disturbance or generalized anxiety, a highly uncomfortable feeling, long before your brain has consciously decoded what is going on. Talking this through, and understanding what stress it is you are under, is often half the battle won. Only then can you work out what to do about it.



Men withdraw to think through problems

Men will typically retreat/withdraw and think through their problems (using the right hand side of their brain) and sort out their solutions, before announcing them. Although some are finding also, that talking things out is better than thinking things through.

When you think only, your thoughts can be distracted and race off to other areas of anxiety before you've even finished that line of thought. A bit like praying with your head on the pillow - you fall asleep before you're done. With talking, there is a social courtesy to at least finish your sentence and so you get to complete your thought process.



The internal critic

Now what happens when you're stressed is that your internal voice (or critic/chatterbox) gets louder. You know the one, the one that says, "Don't do it, it may be the wrong decision." Or... "You are such a hopeless organizer of time, you'll never get this finished and you promised the kids..." Or... " You wanted children, and now you have two beautiful ones, and still you are not happy. Now you want to go back to work and leave them to be brought up by..." Or... "You're always letting people down.

Sometimes your internal voice gets so loud if feels like its taken over. You find it difficult to differentiate between the critic and your own thoughts. The critic fills you with self-doubt. You seem unable to trust your own judgement. It successfully maintains your stress levels, and you can't get back the feeling of being in control. You feel vulnerable. This exacerbates the stress.



counseling - an effective remedy for stress

In counseling you come to understand what stress it is you are under and learn the strategies to manage the destructive effects of the critic. Are you stressed? Is there a crisis in your life? Click here to arrange a counseling appointment with Karen Gosling.

Karen Gosling is counseling Director at Gosling International. She is a graduate of the University of South Australia and holds a Master of Public Health from the University of Adelaide. Karen is a Registered Social Worker in Singapore and is a member of the Australian Association of Social Workers and the Singapore Association of Social Workers.

Gosling International is a leading emotional leadership consultancy based in Singapore, serving committed clients worldwide. Goslings mission is one of education and empowerment; to elevate emotional well-being.

Gosling International provides face-to-face, telephone and email emotional leadership consultations for individuals, couples, and family groups. If you want a professional to help you with behavioural change or deal with your emotional distress, personal problems, or are simply troubled by your feelings, phone Karen or Mike Gosling on (65) 6281-5157.

Consulting Rooms (by appointment):
21A Serangoon Garden Way, Singapore 556065
Mobile: +65 9816-5651 Email: @goslings.net

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