Karen Gosling, Counselling Director

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Phone (65) 9816 5651
 Traumatic event
By Karen Gosling, counseling Director

In this series of real-life case studies, Karen Gosling recounts client stories compiled from Gosling International's files. The permission of clients has been obtained to present these case histories. Names and places used have been changed to protect client privacy.
Introduction
Stella had felt uneasy for a while now about the relationship with her husband Ben. Intuitively she knew that something had changed. He seemed a little distant from her, and not as close as before, even though she could not quite put her finger on it. He would still phone her when he was away, and seem glad to arrive home after a business trip. He would get involved with the children on his return, and busy himself in discussion and activity with them, yet hardly have time to talk to her about how she had been whilst he was away. If she initiated any conversation about them or their relationship, or how work had been, he seemed irritated or tired, and terminated the discussion. He always seemed exhausted, or suffering jet lag, and their sexual intimacy had fizzled to a non-event.
Stella started to notice that Ben stayed at work later than usual. When she asked about this, (perhaps things were busier now at work?) Ben snapped back at her, and again seemed irritable. Stella decided not to ask any more. Ben kept more and more to himself, and did not discuss business matters with her, nor his travel arrangements. These days he would just announce when he was departing and arriving back in the country. Stella was aware of the lack of emotional intimacy, and even wondered if Ben was having an affair. But she quickly dismissed this thought from her head, and scolded herself for even thinking such things. Ben was simply busy, and overworked, and exhausted from all the traveling. This was just one of those difficult times in their marriage. She decided to do her bit, and throw herself into the home and childcare responsibilities, and wait for the difficult time to pass. She could sustain that role for a while.
One Friday evening on his return home from a business trip, Ben asked Stella if they could talk. She was glad to, yet instinctively knew this meant bad news. Ben told her he wanted to leave the relationship, that he was not happy any more in their marriage, and that he wanted a divorce. Stella was dumbfounded. She knew she had been feeling a little distant but had had no idea that Ben also had been unhappy. And here was his decision without even so much as a discussion or an ultimatum. Ben then said he wanted to be completely honest with her. He revealed he was having a relationship with his Personal Assistant at work, and wanted to leave so that he could move in with the other woman. Stella went into shock.
Symptoms 
Stella came to counseling due to her inability to cope with her reactions to Ben's news four days earlier. She was not sleeping, had disturbed appetite, felt nauseous, was suffering from diarrhoea. In addition, she consistently had chest pain, a racing heart, and sometimes felt as though she was having trouble breathing - as if her lungs could not take in enough air. She had wondered if she was suffering a heart attack and would perhaps die. That at least would ease the pain she felt in her chest.
Stella felt unable to cope with anything, and even managing the children was trying, as she felt so short-tempered and irritable. She complained of feeling lightheaded and of being unable to focus. She seemed to stammer and forget words. She felt unable to concentrate on anything and had difficulty making decisions, even about simple things like what to feed the children, let alone what she wanted to do about the relationship. She hated going out, even to the supermarket, as felt she wanted to hide, to withdraw from everybody. Stella said she felt anxious and fearful, guilty and angry all at the same time. She felt isolated and abandoned, as well as the feeling of wanting to withdraw from the world. In short, she felt out of control.
Intervention 
As , I identified Stella's reactions as typical of someone who was experiencing a trauma, which can be an unexpected event, or a buildup of stress. I explained that a trauma is a very subjective experience, and two people experiencing the same event will view it differently. One feels the effect of a crisis or trauma more intensely if there is pre-existing stress. I explained that being in a trauma makes one feel out of control, and as though you are being constantly battered. You feel internal distress, and none of your normal coping mechanisms for dealing with stress seem effective anymore.
I also explained that when you experience a trauma, you feel as though your fundamental belief that the world is an OK place has been smashed, and you no longer feel that you or your loved ones are safe. So you end up worrying about others as well as having to confront your own trauma. You regress to a childlike state, and want someone else to step in and make all the decisions for you, and to look after you, just like when you were a kid and got teased by the bully, and your mum took over. In fact, many people in a trauma just want to go home to mum. It all seems too hard to manage on your own (and in actuality, it is!).
I reassured Stella that the dreadful feelings pass in time (anywhere from a few days to a few weeks), as she started to regain some feelings of being in control of her life. I taught her a few simple psychological strategies to make decisions and start the process of regaining control, which she found logical and useful. I suggested to her not to make any major decisions whilst she still felt as though she was in her crisis, as any decision then would undoubtedly be a wrong one. I advised her, "give yourself time and wait for the dust to settle".
Outcome 
Stella felt reassured that her weird and intense feelings had a name, and especially that they would not last forever. Even by the end of one session, she felt able to see that she could carry on with her present by using the simple strategies, and that would give her the reassurance that she could carry on into the longer future if Ben really intended carrying out his plan to leave.
Stella also felt it useful to discuss her feelings and thoughts out loud. Until now she had been too ashamed and humiliated to tell anyone what was happening, feeling somehow that it was all her fault and that she had brought this on herself. She recognized that her self esteem had been crushed but did not realize that this is a normal response to a trauma, until the counselor explained it. By not sharing her trauma with anyone, friends or family, she had been suffering alone, and when in trauma, the best thing one can do is to receive comfort, care and support from people who love you. Stella's trauma had in fact been accentuated by her suffering it alone.
Stella subsequently told her mum and best friend what was going on, and with their expressions of unconditional love and support, Stella did feel strengthened. She showed her strength to face the future by discussing separation plans with Ben, and with the continued help of the counselor, learned to own her own feelings of hurt rather than blame Ben for them. Their discussions regarding a separation and future plans took a priority and they started to talk more intimately than they had for a very long time. Ben acknowledged that he had been unwilling and unable to pursue emotional and sexual intimacy with Stella since the commencement of his affair, (and Stella suddenly realized that her earlier concerns had been valid, although not her "fault"!).
With the reestablishment of some communication and emotional intimacy, brought on by the disclosure of his affair, Ben and Stella agreed to come to counseling together. An emotional reconnection was made, and the couple decided to work at keeping the marriage intact. True to his word, Ben ended his relationship with his PA and to validate this decision, applied for and was successful in obtaining other employment. The couple is still together, and trust is being rebuilt.

Karen Gosling is counseling Director at Gosling International. She is a graduate of the University of South Australia and holds a Master of Public Health from the University of Adelaide. Karen is a Registered Social Worker in Singapore and is a member of the Australian Association of Social Workers and the Singapore Association of Social Workers.

Gosling International  is a leading emotional leadership consultancy based in Singapore, serving committed clients worldwide. Goslings mission is one of education and empowerment; to elevate emotional well-being.

Gosling International provides face-to-face, telephone and email emotional leadership consultations for individuals, couples, and family groups. If you want a professional to help you with behavioural change or deal with your emotional distress, personal problems, or are simply troubled by your feelings, phone Karen or Mike Gosling on (65) 6281-5157.

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